seems there's a barrier to consciousness into my mind, even in February

I keep looking up, keep looking for the light, do I see what I need to see? Feb '16
So. My dad. I think of him when I see the picture on my work desk.
Or when it ricochets in my brain-pan that ... he's hurt.
In the hospital.
How the fuck do I deal with this? Do I send... flowers? Why? Candy is a no go apparently. Pictures? Which one - he's ... not as ... he's suffering dementia and probably doesn't recall me.
fuck.

go straight to hell boy John plays, followed by M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" ...
Ok, I made it to hell. now what?

9:56a - Johnny Cash - Look At Them Beans ... loving ode to his pops. damn.

I keep thinking - is it I haven't shared what I've done, who I've become with Dad?
Is it I didn't listen to who he is, what he's done?

I'm looking for a photo that sums up the feels I'm having - not finding much...

All the pics I see - perhaps that's where he's at.
My goodness, which I dismissively offer as "My mom raised me well" - but I was raised well by both my mom and dad.
My being a good friend. My wanting to help. My willingness to serve. My lack of ... greed. (avarice? hmm...)
What does it mean to be a Wallace boy?
fuck...

He has supported me always.
Probably more actively - the scouting, the camping.
Huh ...

All the pictures through the years - huh... it's gotten - bad.
No smiles for boo
huh.

I never told him about this place...
just a clearing in the woods ... er, 1990?
or about this group
we do magic... or so we claimed

He never really asked - but ... damn.

Missed opportunities. That's the issue. It sucks.

and John R. plays One, covered by Johnny Cash ...
One love, one blood
One life, you've got to do what you should
One life with each other: sisters, brothers
One life, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other

One
One

fuck.


{8:43a + 26Feb2016 = Friday morning || "Because it's so nice outside / And I like the way the sun feels" on KEXP, Daughter sings "Doing The Right Thing"}

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